It hurt to be in love
by HB rules
Summary: A one-shot of Jaime and Cersei after they return to King's Landing from Winterfell in GoT. Cersei's thoughts on her marriage, her love, and all she cannot have.


**Okay this is my first ever Game of Thrones publication, so please be kind. I am the biggest Jaime/Cersei shipper out there and they have been on my mind since I started Storm of Swords part 1 and then rewatched some of season 1 today, so I had to get it out of my system!**

**Set in Game of Thrones just after the royal party return to King's Landing from Winterfell, Cersei's POV and all written in the space of about 40 minutes with no real spell checking (I was in a rush and just needed to get this one-shot written!)**

**Thanks for reading, enjoy.**

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She stood in the warmth of the sunlight, the weak morning rays caressing her gentle skin like the touch of a lover. It was a rare pleasure to be able to simply watch the world go by from above, a face in a window unnoticed and untouched by the rest of the world. Even in the early hours, hundreds of people down below were going about their busy lives without giving her a second thought; she envied their simplicity.

No-one could claim to have a perfect life – the concept itself was flawed by its own existence; but some of the poor and gentle folk below did not know how lucky they were in Cersei's eyes. Nothing was expected of them. They had choices, at least some say in which path their life would take; she had only duty.

The smallfolk of King's Landing could spit at her, envious of her fine clothes and rich lifestyle, but they did not know how the silk burnt her skin. They could not see how heavily the golden crown weighed atop her head; they saw only a wealthy queen, not the screaming woman beneath the lace and jewels.

The kingsroad had been long and arduous, but Cersei was not tired. Well…no more so than usual. Last night, when she had finally been able to step down from her litter onto the hard and definite ground of King's Landing, she had, for a moment, been relieved. She was back home, away from the bitter cold of the North, and even if that meant returning to the daily life a queen had to lead that she despised so much at least it was what she knew; Cersei so hated what she could not control. It made her feel weak, and she had to be strong. It was all she had.

'Now isn't that a thing of beauty.'

A weak smile passed across Cersei's lips, though it did not reach her emerald green eyes. She did not need to look to see who was standing in the doorway, gallant as ever in his shimmering golden armour.

'You shouldn't be here,' Cersei told him gently, though she knew that was hardly going to deter him.

'What? I am an innocent member of the kingsguard checking upon King Robert's beautiful queen as she watches from a window with a solemn look. What troubles you, sweet sister?'

'Nothing,' she lied, less than convincingly, 'I just rose early and decided to watch my kingdom awaken.'

'And you thought that I would believe that?' smirked Jaime, walking up behind her and snaking an arm lightly around her waist to pull her a little closer to him.

'Well what do you want me to say?' snapped Cersei, a little harsher than she had intended. Jaime knew her well enough, however, not to back away and simply hold her tighter.

'I know that there are things which you would never say aloud, even to me,' he whispered, his lips inches from her ear, 'but I know, Cersei…I know.'

'You can never truly understand,' she said, shaking her head. It was why she always rose so early on mornings like these.

These were the sunrises which followed the nights where Robert had stumbled drunk into her bed and pressed his sickening weight against her body, forcing her to give him the satisfaction he did not deserve. She couldn't sleep with him snoring beside her, with the feeling of disgust still lingering from where he had touched her skin. So as soon as dawn first broke, she would gently ease herself from beneath his arm and scrub herself as clean as she could get. After that she would find somewhere quiet to wait, as the castle stirred lazily in the new day's light and it all started again.

It was as though Jaime could feel her thoughts as he pressed his lips lightly to the nape of her neck. She never really complained, but he knew that she was unhappy. They were twins, two people who were born entwined as one, and the fact that they had to hide their love as if it was wrong made it feel sordid, when in reality it was perfectly natural. They were born together, they had loved together, and one day hand in hand they would die together. It killed her to keep him a secret, to be forced to part with him for months at a time more often than not; and deep down it was killing him as well. Had they been born Targaryens then no-one would blink an eyelid at their relationship, but the pride of the Lannisters kept them apart.

'You should go, Jaime,' Cersei whispered softly, though it hurt her to send him away. 'They will be expecting you not long from now.'

'But I would much rather be here.'

'As would I, but I fear that neither of us have a choice in the matter.'

Jaime sighed heavily and with his powerful arms swung her around so that they were face to face. She never feared him, no matter how hard he pulled her towards him or how strongly he held her when she pleaded for him to let her go; she knew that he would never hurt her, unlike the husband who so often left her with purple kisses.

'Can I have a parting gift?' Jaime asked as their eyes met, the deepest shade of green which they both shared.

'How could I ever say no to you?'

When their lips met, even after so many years, and explosion erupted through Cersei's body. Everything tingled with the dizzy happiness which only Jaime could give her, and it was as if nothing else in the entire world mattered. Her eyes could have closed forever then, and it wouldn't matter; all was right with the world. He was both soft and strong all at once as he touched her, his arms wrapping around her and stroking her skin through the red silk and satin of her dress. His fingers ran as gently as the wind through her curled golden locks and even the metal of his armour seemed warm against her.

This was what love should be like, Cersei thought sadly; no drunken fumbles, no bruises and insults which cut deeper than a sword - just a warm kiss, the feeling of safety and comfort and a hand to hold hers when it all went wrong.

Too soon the kiss was over, and she had to watch him walk away. Cersei was left once again at the window, watching the bakers with their bread and the fisherman at market and wondering why she couldn't be free. That night, she already knew, would be worse than the last. Robert was ravenous, but too tired from his trip to travel to the brothels of King's Landing. It would not be long before he pinned her down upon the sheets once more and forced himself inside her, whilst she bit her lip and thought of her twin brother.

Her face remained stoic as she bid the world goodbye, but one solitary tear slipped down her cheek. In that tear was everything she couldn't say, and could only think and dream and curse in her head.

It hurt to be in love.


End file.
